Dead Girls Don't Write Letters
by junebugjazzy
Summary: Formerly Letters from the Grave. "Dead girlfriend, anonymous letters that might be from said girlfriend… did I mention I may be going crazy?" Edward thinks Bella's dead but then the letters start coming. Is it a joke or could Bella really be alive? HEA quote from chap 6
1. Chapter 1

**A****Beautiful****Mess**

You've got the best of both worlds  
>You're the kind of girl who can take down a man,<br>And lift him back up again  
>You are strong but you're needy,<br>Humble but you're greedy  
>And based on your body language,<br>And shoddy cursive I've been reading  
>Your style is quite selective,<br>though your mind is rather reckless  
>Well I guess it just suggests<br>that this is just what happiness is

Hey, what a beautiful mess this is  
>It's like picking up trash in dresses<p>

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write  
>Kind of turn themselves into knives<br>And don't mind my nerve you could call it fiction  
>But I like being submerged in your contradictions, dear<br>'Cause here we are, here we are  
><strong>Jason Mraz<strong>

Chapter 1

"Are you serious right now? God, I can't believe you!"

"What? What can't you believe? That I actually want to marry you?" I couldn't believe we were having this argument right now. Outside and getting soaking wet in the rain.

"Edward, just stop. I don't want to deal with this right now." She walked away from me and her parents' house towards the car.

"Stop what? Stop telling you I love you? Stop wishing you would marry me? What, Bella? What do you want?"

"All of it!" she screamed.

She yanked open the driver's side door and I realized that if I didn't get in too, she'd leave me here. It was a hell of a long way home, so I climbed in the passenger side just as she threw the car into reverse.

"No. I love you and this ridiculous argument stems from your insecurities about your parents' marriage, when-"

"No, don't you DARE psychoanalyze me. I AM NOT ONE OF YOUR GODDAMN PATIENTS!"

She took her eyes off the road and in that one second I saw the tears cascading down her face. I looked out of the window and watched the rain fall for a moment before responding.

"I'm sorry. I just...I love you and after five years, I just thought that we were ready, but I understand if you aren't. I love you too much to let you go because of this one setback."

"I-"

She started to speak but a deer suddenly bounded out in front of us, causing Bella to jerk the steering wheel to the right. I could see the giant tree and yelled for her to hit the brakes but it was too late; the car was hydroplaning and she couldn't regain control.

"Edward," she cried out, just as we crashed into the tree.

My head slammed against the dash board and I struggled to ignore the pain radiating from it. I looked at Bella covered in blood as she mouths the words "I love you", and then I lost my fight with consciousness.

When I awoke it was to the smell of fire; I was on the ground and the car was blazing, smoke surrounding me.

"Bella!" I cried out, my voice sounding a little raspy. I rushed to my feet but was quickly grabbed by a tall, hulking man.

"Easy there," he said, and gently but firmly dragged me over to the ambulance on the other side of the road. "You can't go over there."

"Let me go!" I screamed frantically as he forced me to sit down on one of the stretchers inside the vehicle. I absolutely refused to lie down. "Where's Bella? Oh God, oh God, where is she?"

The man yells for sedation and is passed a needle. I kick, scream and try to scramble out of his grip but it doesn't work. In the end the needle is jabbed into my arm and I only stay awake long enough to notice the man's black eyes. Unnaturally black eyes.

**A****/****N****: ****Thanks ****so ****much ****for ****reading****. ****I ****currently ****don****'****t ****have ****a ****Beta ****for ****this ****story****. ****If ****you ****want ****to ****volunteer ****let ****me ****know****. ****Please ****review****. ****I ****appreciate ****and ****reply ****to ****each ****one****.**

**UPDATE****: ****FOUND ****A ****BETA ****THE ****AWESOME ****THE****TINYDANCER **** 3/24/12**


	2. Chapter 2

**Beauty ****of ****the ****Dark**

The beauty of the dark, is the beauty of you.  
>I dreamed dreams of you but nightmares always block the view.<br>I can't sleep, no.

The beauty of silence, is the noise of no words  
>When everything I listen for is here when you walk in the door,<br>tonight, yeah.

Where is the light in your deep dark room?  
>A shock of light could save you from the shadow.<br>Why is the dark behind the moon?  
>Out of reach until the light is shattered.<p>

**Mads ****Langer**

Chapter 2 

The room I was in was not my own. The walls were white and I was laying in a bed that was uncomfortable and definitely not the bed I was used to. I screamed and a nurse ran in with a doctor right behind her.

"What the hell am I doing here? Where's Bella? Bella!" I yelled, screaming her name over and over. It was obvious that I was hospitalized but where was Bella?

"Mr. Masen," the doctor began sternly. "I need you to calm down so I can talk to you; if you cannot do that then the nurse will have to sedate you."

I stopped and tried to calm myself down, though my voice was still a little uneven. "Who are you and what am I doing here?"

"Firstly, my name is Dr. Carlisle Cullen. As far as your second question is concerned, you have no life threatening injuries; we are simply keeping you in for observation due to your head injury," he explained, motioning toward my head with his hand. "What do you remember about last night, Mr. Masen?"

Memories of the accident flooded back to me as he spoke the words. "We were in an accident - Bella and I - we'd had a fight, and then a deer ran in front of the car, and she swerved to avoid it and then we hit a tree. Is she ok? Where is she? What room?"

I watched with a sick feeling in my stomach as the doctor's face fell, and his disapproving expression transformed into one of pity.

"Mr. Masen. I'm sorry to say that Ms. Swan didn't make it…when you hit the tree, she died instantly because of the impact and then the car exploded."

"No you're lying," I said, shaking my head. I looked at him. Really looked at him. Something wasn't right. He was young. Too young to be a doctor, but with an air of authority only senior members of staff could possibly possess. "She didn't die on impact, I know she didn't. Why are you lying to me?"

"Mr Masen, I assure you. I am not lying to you." Pity crossed his face, pity and something else; shame? It was gone too quickly for me to decipher anything else. "I am truly sorry for your loss."

He turned away from me as the nurse made her presence known again, but I wasn't satisfied.

"No, you can't just walk away from me," I objected. "What the hell happened to her?"

The nurse grabbed my hand as Dr. Cullen walked out of the room without a backward glance. "It'll be okay. I know it seems hard for you to grasp but Dr. Cullen wouldn't lie to you. As much as you would like to believe the opposite, Ms. Swan died in the car crash. There was no one at fault. It was an accident."

I stared at her disbelievingly, feeling my heart beginning to break.

"I love her. I can't just live without her. I don't know how to live without her."

My voice was empty and weary; it had only been five minutes since I'd woken up, but in those five minutes, I'd lost everything. As the weight pressed down on me I began to sob on the kindly nurse's shoulder, losing track of time. I sobbed until I slept.

As I was sleeping again, I dreamed of the accident, but I was not really in the accident; It was an outer body experience. I watched myself being carried out of the car. There were three different shadows and one of them picked up Bella's lifeless body and took it away. Then, there were simply flames.

"Bella!" I called over and over again until I was shaken awake.

"Edward, Edward, wake up. It was just a dream son." I looked up to see the face of Bella's father.

"Charlie," I said, blinking, and then remembered why he was here "Charlie... I'm so sorry."

He shook his head, understanding my apology but not accepting it.

"Edward it wasn't your fault. All you did was love Bella, as much as she loved you."

"Charlie you don't understand; it was my fault. If I hadn't tried to rush her into marriage, if I hadn't proposed, if I had just waited until she was ready….then she might still be alive. Bella might still be alive."

"Edward, my girl loved you and eventually she would have married you. Once she got past all of her insecurities, then she would have said yes. I know she would."

"Have you seen her?" I asked him, Charlie must have known what I meant because he answered right away.

"No. They say her body is burned beyond belief - unrecognizable," he said, wincing at the words.. "I told them to cremate her. I didn't want her to be buried. I hope that's okay with you. We can still have a small memorial for her next week, if you'd like."

"Whatever you want Charlie. I just want to sleep."

I felt bad for dismissing him so harshly, but I just couldn't bear the thought of Bella's body. I didn't want to think of Bella's memorial. I just felt so dead without her. It should have been me.

**A****/****N****: ****There ****will ****be ****a ****time ****jump ****to ****Bella****'****s ****funeral****, ****and ****also ****the ****first ****letter****. ****Next ****post ****tomorrow****, ****well ****later ****today ****actually****. ****Please ****review****. ****Thanks ****for ****reading****.**

**UPDATE****: ****THANKS ****TO ****THE ****TINY DANCER ****FOR ****BEING ****A ****SERIOUSLY ****AWESOME ****BETA**** 3/24/12**


	3. Chapter 3

**Elephants**

If the elephants have past lives yet are destined to always remember  
>It's no wonder how they scream<br>Like you and I they must have some temper

And I am dreaming of them on the plains  
>Dirtying up their beds<br>Watching for some sign of rain to cool their hot heads

And how dare that you send me that card when I'm doing all that I can do  
>You are forcing me to remember when all I want is to just forget you<p>

If the tiger shall protect her young then tell me how did you slip by  
>All my instincts have failed me for once<br>I must have somehow slept the whole night  
><strong>Rachael <strong>**Yamagata**

Chapter 3

A week later and it still felt like I was only going through the motions of life; I hadn't left our house since I'd come back from the hospital, and I couldn't bring myself to leave the security and comfort of it.

I blew off my patients and took a leave of absence from work. I was a shell of a man. Every day I looked at photos of Bella and I and cried over the loss of my future. Our future. The ring that I had hoped she would wear on her finger was sitting on the dresser beside our bed. Over and over again I would find myself fingering the antique filigree setting for endless amounts of time.

I heard the doorbell ring, quickly followed by banging on the door. I ignored it, hoping that if I didn't answer, the intruder would go away. The incessant banging continued though so I took a deep breath and got up off the bed to answer the door.

"Can I help you?" I ask the familiar looking man with brown hair and muscles everywhere at the door.

"My name is Emmett. Can I come in?" I hesitated for a moment and then opened the door. The man seemed very forward considering the fact that I couldn't quite recall ever meeting him, but he gave off such a friendly aura that I didn't mind inviting him in.

"Thank you. I'm sure you're wondering why I'm here," Emmett began, standing awkwardly in my hallway "Well, I'm here because you need a friend. I was there. At the accident," he clarified as I looked at him. "I was the paramedic that pulled you from the car."

My thoughts swirled around me with this sudden new information. It was too much to digest in such a short space of time. I was standing face to face with the man that saved my life, and I realized I only had one question.

"Why me? Why didn't you save her? You should have saved her."

"I wish I could have saved her from this fate, but it was too late. I concentrated my efforts on you," said Emmett, sounding truly regretful of what happened. The pity in his eyes and voice were for Bella, not me, and I appreciated it.

"You said you pulled me out of the car right?"

"Yeah?"

"Did you carry me over to the ambulance and sedate me too?

"Yes and I'm sorry for that but I just had to stop you from running back over to the scene."

He looked up at me in earnest and I was taken aback by the eye contact.

"I could have sworn your eyes were black," I stated out loud, ignoring his response entirely. His eyes were curious; they were black before and yet now they were a topaz color. It seemed an odd thing to notice, but the sight of his blacker than pitch eyes had stayed in my mind since the accident had happened. I watched his face closely but received no reaction.

"Nope, sorry man. It must have been the light," he answered casually, shrugging my concern off. "Anyway, I've said my piece; you should get ready for the service."

"You're going to Bella's memorial? Why?" I asked, surprised. I was under the impression that Charlie had organized something relatively small, and it struck me as somewhat odd that the paramedic who failed to save Bella's life would want to come. I dismissed the idea though - it was nice that he wanted to show his support, and he didn't seem like such a bad guy.

He smiled a sad smile. "Because I owe her that much. I wish I could have known her before all of this mess…plus I have a feeling you're going to need somebody to be there for you." I looked at him, judged his sincerity, nodded and walked away to get ready for the memorial that I wasn't ready to attend.

The service was beautiful; bigger than I'd expected but heartfelt and filled with people that loved my beautiful Bella, yet it was too much for me to take in. The speakers, the pictures, the memories and just being in Charlie's house for the first time since it happened. Everything crashed down on me at once and I had an overwhelming feeling of loneliness, grief and despair. As soon as the service was over I knew I had to go. I was in no shape to drive or deal with the pity of anyone who thought they knew my pain. I simply told Emmett and Charlie, that I was leaving and would pick my car up later. I found the walk home to be soothing although wrought with memories of Bella.

_Meeting __her __at __my __parent__'__s __end __of __summer __barbeque__. _

_Asking __her __out __for __drinks__._

_Kissing __her __in __front __of __her __building __for __the __first __time __as __I __dropped __her __off __after __our __date__._

_The __first__ "__I __Love __You__" __we __exchanged__._

_Our __first __Valentine__'__s __Day __and __the __dozens __of __roses __that __littered __the __table __of __her __apartment__. _

_Our __first __anniversary __and __the __cufflinks __she __gave __me __as __a __gift__._

_Our __silly __first __fight __and __the __amazing __make __up __sex __afterwards._

_Our __second __anniversary __and __the __emerald __necklace __I __gave __her__._

_Our __third __anniversary __and __the __day __we __decided __to __move __in __together__. _

_The __day __she __tried __to __cook __me __break fast __and __almost __burned __down __the __kitchen__. _

_Our __fourth __anniversary __and __the __day __I __finally __brought __her __engagement __ring __and __hid __it __in __the __kitchen __where __I __knew __she __would __never __find __it__._

_The __day __I __proposed__…__and __the __end __of __both __of __our __lives__._

I was brought out of my memories by the sight of our house and an envelope that was sitting innocently on the porch. I grabbed it and made my way inside the house, throwing it on the table and looking for the scotch that I knew had been in the cabinet earlier but was now nowhere to be found. I looked back over at the table and the seemingly innocuous letter before curiosity took over and I sat down to open it.

At once I recognized the messy scrawl that was the same yet somehow different.

_Edward__,_

_I wish I could make your pain go away. I wish that nothing had changed and I could just feel your arms wrap around me, and make me safe again. I wish that wishing was enough, but it's not. Do you remember the day you asked me what my favorite gem was? We were lying down together on the couch, watching random movies, when you asked. You were trying to be subtle but I could see right through you. You were trying to get hints on what to get me for our second anniversary. I smiled and played along, acting like it was just a random question, and said emeralds. You never asked me why though. If you had I would have said because they match the color of your eyes. Don't drink your pain away. Don't let your eyes lose the sparkle and shine of life._

_I __love __you __Doc__._

_Forever __and __Always __Yours__,_

_Snow_

The letter had the unmistakable essence of Bella. The feeling that it had to be her pricked at my subconscious, although logically, I knew it couldn't possibly be true. Still, no one knew about our nicknames for each other besides the two of us. There was no way anyone could have even guessed them; they were from Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs and I couldn't even remember our reasoning for the names anymore. It was just another thing that was undeniably us. The letter was making me question my sanity.

I scoured the house for the bottle of scotch again but I still couldn't find it. I didn't even want to think about what that meant.

**Hello ****again****. ****Next ****chapter****, ****somewhere ****between ****tonight ****and ****tomorrow****. ****Remember ****reviews ****are ****the ****greatest ****form ****of ****encouragement****. ****Still ****looking ****for ****a ****beta ****btw****. ****Thanks ****for ****reading****. **

**UPDATE****: ****BETAED ****BY ****THE ****GREAT ****THE****TINYDANCER**** 3/24/2012**


	4. Chapter 4

**Bloodstream**

Wake up, look me in the eyes again  
>I need to feel your hand upon my face<br>Words can relay nice, they can cut you open  
>And the silence surrounds you and haunts you<p>

I think I might have inhaled you  
>I can feel you behind my eyes<br>You've gotten into my bloodstream  
>I can feel you flowing in me<p>

Words can relay nice, they can cut you open  
>And the silence surrounds you and haunts you<p>

I think I might have inhaled you

**Stateless**

Chapter 4

The letter was still on the table taunting me. For the past two days I'd obsessed and analyzed everything about it. On one hand, it sounded too much like Bella to be a fluke; too many details that only the two of us knew of. On the other hand, Bella died in a car accident, one that I was a part of. I was a logical person, I had to be with my profession, but there didn't seem to be a logical answer for this. I needed to tell someone, talk it through with someone, I called the only person that I knew won't send me to the psychiatric wing of a hospital.

When Emmett arrived, I wasted no time with pleasantries and small talk. Despite knowing each other for only a few days, I felt close to him, and I almost enjoyed his company; whenever I spoke to my family, all I received was pity and sympathy, and I wanted a break. Emmett always seemed to know how to act around me, and sometimes I wondered if he'd lost someone in his lifetime too. I immediately showed him the letter and its mysterious envelope

"Well hello to you too Edward. What's this?"

"Read it."

His eyes scanned the letter I handed to him but his face was blank as he looked back up at me.

"Okay..." he said slowly. "Who sent it?"

"I don't know; my heart is telling me it's Bella, but my mind knows that can't be true."

"Does the handwriting match?"

"Yes, it's almost an exact match." I lead Emmett into our bedroom almost desperately, getting more and more agitated, as I showed him the notepad that Bella kept on her nightstand. It was as though I needed to prove to someone that I wasn't going crazy, I had proof. "See what I mean? Even the greatest forger in the world couldn't copy Bella's handwriting this precisely. It can't be auto-pen because the pen she used was felt tipped. There is absolutely nothing I can say about this without making myself look insane, but I swear, I think it's Bella communicating with me."

"Your dead girlfriend is sending you letters. How does that make you feel?" Emmett asked with a straight face.

"Are you patronizing me?" I asked, wondering if I'd made the wrong call by telling Emmett about the letters.

"No, I'm being serious. How do you feel, knowing that this letter was written and sent to you by Bella, which in itself, by all reasonable and logical arguments, should be impossible?

"I feel hope, like this was all just a nightmare. I feel like maybe Bella will just walk into the house and all will be right again. Then I feel like I belong in a mental institution because there is no way that this is possible."

"But what if it was possible?"

"It's not possible Emmett."

"But what if it was?

"I would sacrifice everything just to see her again; hell I would give up my own life just to hold her in my arms one more time."

"Hmmm," he murmured. "I take it you love her a lot then. Can you live without her?"

"More than my own life" I confirmed. "It's like we were intertwined. I can barely function knowing that she's never coming back; living just isn't in the cards. I don't know how to live without her. I can't just shut my heart off. I loved her, and the knowledge that I will never see her again is killing me."

"It'll all work out in the end buddy," said Emmett, clapping me on the shoulder. "I have to go, but don't worry - I don't think you're crazy."

I walked Emmett out to his car and thanked him for not judging me, feeling just slightly saner. I liked him, a lot, and wished we could have met under better circumstances.

We talked outside until Emmett received a phone call. I waved good bye to him and headed back inside the house. My feet took me to the room Bella and I shared without a conscious decision on my part. I go to her nightstand, intending to put the notepad back, when I notice a crisp white sheet of paper sitting on the pillow. I picked up the paper and underneath was an emerald necklace. Bella's necklace. The necklace that she never took off. The necklace that she was wearing when she died. How could it have gotten here on our bed, on Bella's pillow?

_Edward__,_

_You're not crazy. Hold onto this for me. I won't forget to come back for it, because it, and the person holding it, mean a lot to me. I love you so much. Don't give up on me, no matter what logic or anyone else says. Life isn't always rational, sometimes it's radical. _

_-__B_

She was here. In our house. In our room.

**I****'****m ****like ****two ****days ****late ****but ****here ****it ****is****. ****The ****last ****line ****in t****he ****letter ****is ****a ****little ****math ****joke****. ****Thank ****you ****all ****for ****reading****. REVIEW!**

**UPDATE****: ****MANY ****THANKS ****TO ****THE****TINYDANCER****. ****SHE ****MADE ****THIS ****CHAPTER ****PRESENTABLE****. :) 3/24/12**


	5. Chapter 5

**Last ****Train ****Home**

You haven't changed.  
>Stand in the light,<br>I need to see you,  
>Uncover my eyes.<p>

The tears coming down,  
>Making lines on your face.<br>One for each year, now  
>That you've been away.<p>

And if you wait for me,  
>I'll be the light in the dark if you lose your way.<br>And if you wait for me,  
>I'll be your voice when you don't know what to say.<br>I'll be your shelter,  
>I'll be your fate.<br>I'll be forever,  
>Wait for me.<p>

I'll be the last train,  
>I'll be the last train home.<p>

You were a storm,  
>It blew us away.<br>I wouldn't leave you,  
>But you couldn't stay.<br>**Ryan ****Star**

Chapter 5

"No. You can't touch him."

A woman's voice tinkled like a bell in Edward's dreams.

"Why? I need to touch him, to know that he's real. I just miss him so much. This is killing me," another voice added softly, like molten lava.

"Hold on let me check," was the response. The room was eerie; too silent, with only the sound of his breathing to count the passage of time. "You can kiss his cheek but not too much pressure. He only wakes up if you kiss his mouth."

Moments later, soft lips pressed against his cheek, causing him to sigh unconsciously at the familiarity of the kiss. She gently leaned her forehead against his, sighing in contentment and wishing for more.

"Allie, can you give me a minute alone with him?"

"You have exactly three minutes before he wakes up; that means you have to be out in two and a half or he'll know something's up."

"Thank you."

The bed shifted as she laid her head on the pillow next to him. "I love you. If I could go back to that night...I would say yes. I would say yes a thousand times." The woman slowly and reluctantly got off the bed they once shared and kissed her love one more time, before walking toward the door, stopping only when the soft light of daybreak filtered in from the window. It illuminated the room and drew her eye to the velvet box on the night stand.

Propelled by her curiosity, she changed direction and picked up the box, opening it and gasping in amazement at the beauty of the antique ring. It was a white gold band, with a filigree setting and a brilliant emerald stone in the center. It was beautiful and simple. Elegant, but unique. It made her wonder why she was so afraid in the first place. In a moment of weakness she put the ring on her finger and imagined the life she could have had. Giving birth to little green or brown eyed babies, growing old with the man she loved surrounded by grand children. All things of the past. An impossible dream.

She took off the ring and lovingly placed it on the nightstand. She didn't place it back in the box on purpose; she wanted him to know she was there, that she'd held the ring in her hand.

"Just a little longer, Doc. I hope you choose me." Her parting whisper, unbeknownst to her, faintly registered in the mind of her beloved. One sentence and then she was gone, a swish of air left behind in her wake.

"_Always__."_

She didn't hear it, but his reply was instantaneous and seemingly unconscious.

**I ****tried ****something ****new****. ****I ****thought ****the ****third ****person ****pov ****gave ****better ****insight****, ****into ****the ****scene****. ****If ****I ****had ****written ****a ****Bella ****pov ****it ****would ****have ****given ****everything ****away****, ****Edward****'****s ****pov ****would ****have ****been ****too ****limited ****and ****would ****have ****made ****for ****a ****super ****short ****chapter****. ****I ****know ****it****'****s ****much ****shorter ****than ****usual ****but ****this ****was ****necessary****. ****Don****'****t ****worry ****next ****post ****between ****Monday ****and ****Tuesday****. ****Many ****thanks ****to ****my ****new ****Beta ****TheTinyDancer****. :) ****Thanks ****for ****reading****. ****Leave ****me ****your ****thoughts****. ****I ****appreciate ****and ****reply ****to ****each ****one****.**

**UPDATED****: ****THE****TINY****DANCER ****ROCKS****. ****THAT ****IS ****ALL****. :****D**** 3/24/12 **


	6. Chapter 6

**Wicked****Games**

The world was on fire and no one could save me but you  
>It's strange what desire will make foolish people do<br>I'd never dreamed that I'd meet somebody like you  
>I'd never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you<p>

No I don't want to fall in love (this girl is only gonna break your heart)  
>No I don't want to fall in love (this girl is only gonna break your heart)<br>With you  
>With you (this girl is only gonna break your heart)<p>

What a wicked game you played to make me feel this way  
>What a wicked thing to do to let me dream of you<br>What a wicked thing to say you never felt this way  
>What a wicked thing to do to make me dream of you<p>

And I don't want to fall in love (this girl is only gonna break your heart)  
>No I don't want to fall in love (this girl is only gonna break your heart)<br>With you

The world was on fire and no one could save me but you  
>It's strange what desire will make foolish people do<br>I'd never dreamed that I'd love somebody like you  
>I'd never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you<p>

**Stone****Sour**** (****Cover****)**

Chapter 6

It's been three weeks since the last letter and one week since I dreamed I heard her voice. I needed to feel closer to Bella, to feel her presence near me, so I walked about two miles from our house to our special place in the woods. I look around at our meadow, with its green grass, and multi-hued flowers and I'm angry again. Shattered again, broken, again. I don't feel closer, just cold and wanting.

"What kind of games are you playing?" I yell to the wind, anger and desperation seeping through my voice. "Is this even you? Why are you playing with my sanity? I don't understand, Bells. I thought you loved me. Does it make you happy to know I can't tell what's real anymore? Am I imagining, just imagining everything? The letter, the necklace, the ring, the voices I occasionally hear. I don't know what to think anymore. If it's you…if it's really you leaving me these messages, answer me. Talk to me. Prove to me that I haven't lost my mind. Prove to me that you still love me; that you haven't left me."

I stood there, quietly hoping, begging, praying that she would answer me. The other alternative was unthinkable, but not impossible.

Nothing.

The unmistakable echo of absolutely nothing. The sad echo of heartbreak and loneliness.

My body slumped against a tree and onto the cool wet grass. I was angry with her, so angry, but I was hurt too. I knew she was here, I could feel it. The sensation of being watched, of being studied, it was surrounding me and it made my heart beat faster, because I knew she was near. In my heart, I knew it was her. I just didn't understand why she would ignore my pain the way she was doing.

"Please." I begged. "Please Bella. The woman I knew and loved would never have played with me like this."

Nothing.

After making the short hike back to my house, I noticed a blue envelope on the porch. I picked it up, and started to open it, then on impulse I walked into the house, dropped the letter on the table by the door and grabbed my car keys. If Bella wanted to ignore me, then I could ignore her, at least for a couple hours. I was going to the bar and getting drunk.

An hour later I was planted at the bar, drinking my fourth glass of whiskey straight, and yelling at the bartender to bring me a nice shot of tequila to add to the numbness.

"What's your poison?"

I followed the voice and saw a woman with short black hair, styled in spikes, sitting next to me.

"Ah, you know," I said with a drunken shrug and faux nonchalance. "Dead girlfriend, anonymous letters that might be from said girlfriend… did I mention I may be going crazy?"

I threw back the last of my drink and took the shot without hesitation. "Another," I gestured to the bar man.

"Are you sure that's a good idea?" the woman asked.

"Nope. Who did you say you were again?"

"I didn't say, but I'm Alice."

"So Alice," I slurred. "What's your poison?"

"I don't have one."

"Why are you sitting at a bar?"

"I'm trying to help someone who desperately needs it."

"Hmmmm," I muttered and drowned the last shot of tequila. "You know, don't ever fall in love. I mean it, to fall in love is the stupidest thing a man can do. When it's gone, it's gone. You spend all your time, the rest of your life even, begging for it to come back. To mend the heart that fate has shattered. Searching for a replacement to bandage the emptiness. I don't want that; I just want my Bella. My Bella. The only woman I've ever truly loved. I don't want to live on this earth without her."

After I'd finished my rant, Alice stood up, reached into her purse, and pulled out a folded piece of paper with my name on it.

"Read it, and call a cab to take you home," she whispered into my ear, before throwing a hundred dollar bill to the bartender and demanding she cut me off.

In my drunken stupor it took me a minute to open the letter.

_Edward__,_

_I__'__ve __never __been __a __huge __believer __in __God __or __religion __for __that __matter__… __it__'__s __funny__, __now __that __I__'__m__ "__dead__" __Christianity __holds __some __interest __for __me__. (__You __might __not __recognize __the __irony __now__, __but __in __a __couple __weeks __it __will __dawn __on __you__.) __Speaking __of __Christianity__… "__Love __is __always __patient __and __kind__. __It __is __never __jealous__. __Love __is __never __boastful __or __conceited__. __It __is __never __rude __or __selfish__. __It __does __not __take __offense __and __is __not __resentful__." __I __haven__'__t __been __very __kind __to __your __heart __and __I__'__ve __been __selfish, __but __I __do __love __you__,__with __all __my __heart __and __what__'__s __left __of __my __soul__. __I __am __so __sorry __for __the __pain__,__confusion __and __uncertainty __I __have __caused y__ou__. __I__'__m __giving __you __a __choice__. __In __two __weeks __meet __me __in __our __meadow __at __four __o__'__clock__. __I __know __what __I__'__m __asking __for __is __a __lot __but __one __last __shot__,__one __last __chance __for __your __heart__.__Trust __me__.__This __will __be __over __soon__._

_Bells_

_P__.__S__. - __Call __a __taxi __and __sober __up__. __I __love __you __Doc__._

**The ****song above is originally by Chris Isaak. I like his version but Stone Sour's just sounded a little more on beat with this chapter. Round of applause to my epically awesome beta TheTinyDancer. She makes this little chapter beautiful. Reviews are love, show me some. :)**

**QUESTION: THERE IS A QUOTE SOME WHERE IN THIS CHAPTER THAT CAN BE FOUND IN TWO SOURCES, A BOOK AND A MOVIE. WHAT ARE THE TWO SOURCES? THE REVIEWER (S) TO GET THE RIGHT ANSWERS WILL GET A TEASER FROM CHAPTER 7. **


	7. Chapter 7

**Plain White T's**

I'm sittin' here all by myself  
>just tryin' to think of something to do<br>Tryin' to think of something, anything  
>just to keep me from thinking of you<br>But you know it's not working out  
>'cause you're all that's on my mind<br>One thought of you is all it takes  
>to leave the rest of the world behind<p>

Well I didn't mean for this to go as far as it did  
>And I didn't mean to get so close and share what we did<br>And I didn't mean to fall in love, but I did  
>And you didn't mean to love me back<p>

but I know you did

I'm sittin' here tryin' to convince myself  
>that you're not the one for me<br>But the more I think, the less I believe it  
>and the more I want you here with me<br>You know the holidays are coming up  
>I don't want to spend them alone<br>Memories of Christmas time with you  
>will just kill me if I'm on my own<br>I know it's not the smartest thing to do  
>we just can't seem to get it right<br>But what I wouldn't give to have one more chance tonight

**A Lonely September**

Chapter 7

It's freezing and I'm playing in the snow like I'm a kid again. I'm not alone, so I don't feel as juvenile. With the snow falling in flakes around us, I am chasing Bella, narrowly avoiding trees and the tightly packed ammo she flings at me with barely any aim. She's laughing and ducking behind trees, like we're playing a game of hide-and-seek. In a moment of spontaneity, I tackle her and we both tumble to the ground, laughing and rolling around in the snow. I pull Bella on top of me and stare at her, wondering how in the world I could've gotten so lucky, when she kisses me.

"I win," she whispers on my cool lips.

"I tackled_ you, _and I'm currently holding you as a prisoner," I respond while tightening my arms around her waist.

"Oh no, whatever shall I do?" she gasps in mock horror. I lean in to kiss her full lips but instead of her lips I am greeted with a handful of snow. I flip her onto her back and tickle her in revenge.

"Give up yet?" I ask while furiously tickling whatever spot I can get my hands on.

"Yes!" she screams in laughter. "I give up!"

I stand up and hold out my hand to help her up off the cold wet ground. She grabs it, but pulls me back down onto the snow and takes off, running and laughing at the same time, leaving me behind in her snowy wake.

Walking into the house behind her, I once again take in the holiday atmosphere that Bella worked so hard to create for our first Christmas under the same roof. Of course she went overboard with the decorations; covering the house in glittering lights with holiday garlands everywhere. Every doorway in the house was supplied with mistletoe; her excuse to kiss me whenever she wanted, she said, even though we both knew that right was already hers. She even made me buy a gigantic pine tree and spend an entire Saturday decorating it. I didn't mind too much because she was happy. She had a glow about her that said she was excited. It was amazing; she was amazing. She was loving, stubborn, full of snark and couldn't cook to save her life, but I loved her and she loved me. To me she was perfect.

My perfect dream was ruined by sunlight and a harsh reality. I was in a strange bed and an equally strange room with absolutely no concept or theory of how I'd gotten there. I then realized that I didn't actually care, the room and bed the least of my worries. The dream from last night was still at the forefront of my mind and my heart ached. The light burned my eyes and little men with hammers were attacking my skull. I quickly took in my surroundings and noticed a glass of water and two advils sitting on the night stand next to a note. Apprehensively I opened it.

_Meet me in the dining room for breakfast, whenever you sober up._

_-Emmett  
><em>I quickly showered and threw on some clothes and a pair of sunglasses. I didn't remember calling Emmett, but I was glad he had my back. After taking the elevator downstairs I walked through to the dining room of the swanky hotel and noticed Emmett's hulking form sitting at a table near the back talking on his phone.

"What do you expect me to do, keep lying to him? How is that fair? You can't just spring this on him and expect it to be okay. I guarantee, this isn't going to go well." I heard a snippet of his conversation before he noticed me approaching the table and quickly hung up with his unknown caller.

"What was that about? You sounded angry."

"What's up man? I bet you have the headache from hell." His booming laughter reverberated through my skull and effectively ended my inquiry.

"Shut up. Didn't anybody ever tell you not to yell at man who's hung over?"

"I may have heard that somewhere," he teased before handing me a folded up piece of paper. "Here, before I forget. You gave it to me last night, when I brought you here."

Taking the letter, memories from last night assaulted my memory and with shaking hands I opened it, despite the fact I could remember exactly what it said and who it was supposedly from.

"Well...?" Emmett asked.

"What do you want me to say Em? I'm not going," I replied, knowing full well that he'd read the letter

"Why not? This is the love of your life we're talking about, not some business deal. How can you just not go?"

This," I waved the letter in his face before continuing. "Is not Bella. This is some psychopath messing with my emotions. I would give anything to see Bella again, but this can't be her. She's dead and it's about time I realized that and stopped indulging the sick bastard who is exploiting my pain and desires. "

"How do you know? From what you've told me, the letters can only come from Bella. Take a chance, Risk it all. You just might be surprised.

"Stop it. Can't you see how much it kills me to admit that the woman I love is dead and someone is still screwing with my mind? I want so badly to believe that the letters are actually from her but they aren't. She's dead and never coming back."

The thought shattered my heart into a million more pieces but it had to be done. I had to stop seeing Bella where she wasn't. I was driving myself crazy.

"Why are you rationalizing this?"

"Why aren't _you _rationalizing this?"

Emmett looked at me for a minute, shook his head, and with a sad smile said, "You're right. I should doubt your sanity and insist that you go visit our neighborhood shrink; is that what you want? Great, done. But what if it's true? What if by some miracle Bella is alive and you could actually have the chance to see her, to touch her, to talk to her again? Can you really rationalize and ignore the possibilities and the words of your beloved?"

Emmett's words struck a chord. "Look, I'm tired of having this conversation. Just take me to my car so I can go home."

"Yep, not going to go well at all." He shook his head once more and walked out the revolving door to his car.

I walked over to the trash can by the door and held the piece of paper over its mouth. I debated it, struggled with myself, sighed and walked away, all the while folding the single piece of paper into a tiny square and placing it into my pocket.

Emmett and I didn't talk in the car. I was still hung over and completely aggravated by his earlier statements and the tension was palpable. He dropped me off in front of the bar where I'd left my car last night with no fanfare just a short nod and a 'Think about what I said.' I got into my car with mumbled words of thanks and drove away quickly, toward my home and the decisions of my future.

**chapter 9 and then Edward's makes his choice. REVIEW. Much love and thanks to my amazing beta TheTinyDancer. **

**Question: What's your favorite winter memory?**

**OR**

**What do you think Edward is going to choose? **


	8. Chapter 8

**Anybody****'****s ****Heart**

If you'd smile just right no one knows you might have  
>A heart full of pain and a soul that can't reign<br>And a stomach full of butterflies

All that I wanted was just to feel safe  
>Safe in your arms<br>Say you didn't mean to  
>Say I wouldn't understand<br>But it's time you say something  
>God knows it's the one thing I need<br>And the heart you broke  
>No it wasn't just anybody's heart<p>

So I bit my nails and I held my breath  
>And I said "I'm fine" yeah I did my best<br>But you can't tell me you never knew the truth  
>Of all the fear I felt, how I worried bout you<br>**Katherine ****McPhee**

Chapter 8

It was past midnight on the last day of my two week deadline, and I had yet to make my decision. I had until four in the afternoon to either be in that meadow and recognize the possibility that maybe, just maybe, Bella might still be alive or I could stay home and live with the fact that Bella was dead, and the letters were only a sick joke. It's ironic how the heart and brain work; they work together and are so closely connected to each other, yet they are so adversarial that I can't seem to choose which to adhere to." My heart wanted nothing more than to believe that Bella was alive and well, but my brain knew that it just couldn't be possible. I had the ashes to prove it.

I forced myself to just stop thinking and go for a drive. On my way out the door, as I reached for my keys and wallet on the table, my eyes landed on the innocuous little envelope that had been sitting there for the last two weeks. Unopened.

For a moment, I stopped and traced my handwritten name embedded on the paper._Could __this __really __be __my __Bella__? __Could __my __fingers __be __following __the __same __path __that __her __pen __had __traveled__?_ I stuck my wallet in my back pocket, and, on an impulse picked up the letter, and walked out the door.

~/~/~/~/~/~/~/~/~/~/~/~/~/~/~/~/~/~/

I'd never been a believer in fate or destiny, but Bella had always loved the whole concept of it. The idea that no matter what she did or said, whatever was destined to happen would. So when my car broke down on the side of the road a few feet away from the tree where Bella died, I could just imagine her telling me that fate was trying to say something to me, and that I'd better listen to what it was saying.

The thought made my heart clench.

I got out of the car, leaned against the driver's side door and stared out at the blacktop in front of me and the night above me. I didn't want to see the shrine created in Bella's memory. The gardenias and calla lilies that I knew Charlie had placed there because they were her favorite. The pictures left there by those that loved her, and the candles long ago burned out. I took the letter out of my pocket and placed my finger under the flap, opening it. Hesitantly I pulled out the folded piece of paper and finally read it.

_Edward__,_

_I __know __you __are __frustrated __with __me__. __I __know __that __you __are __hurting__, __and __I __hate __that __I __am __the __cause__. __I __hate __myself __for __hurting __you__. __When __my __parents __divorced__, __and __my __mother __ran __off __to __find __her __freedom_, _leaving __me __and __my __father __behind__,_ _I __promised __myself __that __I __would __never __leave __the __one __I __fell __in __love __with__, __that __I __would __never __put __my __love t__hrough __the __same __pain __my __father __went __through__; __but __yet __here __we __are__. __I __can __never __apologize __enough__, __for __the __pain __this __has __put __you __through__, __I __can __only __say __that __it __will __be __over __soon__. __Please __know __that __I __wasn__'__t __ignoring __you __today__, __I __heard __your __every __word__. __The __proof __of __my __love __is __in __these __letters__. __My __love __didn__'__t __just __stop __once __I __died __and __began __anew__; __you __are __still __my __soul__mate__, __at __least __in __my __eyes__. _

_"__Love __is __the __emblem __of __eternity__; __it __confounds __all __notion __of __time__; __effaces __all __memory __of __a __beginning__, __and __all __fear __of __an __end__." _

_You __are __my __beginning __and __my __end__. __My __destiny __and __my __forever__. __I __have __an __eternity __to __love __you__, __and __no __matter __what __you __decide __I __will __always __love __you__. __I __know __this __is __probably __the __craziest __thing __you __have __ever __heard__, __and __you __have __absolutely __no __reason __to __believe __me __but __I __hope __you __do__. __I __promise __to __tell __you __everything__, __but __for __now __suspend __your __disbelief __and __logic__, __don__'__t __look __at __the __impossibilities__. __Look __at __the __proof __you __hold__ in __your __hand__. __Look __at __what__'__s __right __in __front __of __you__._

_I __love __you __times __infinity__,_

_Bella_

My hands shook, and my chest heaved from the force of my sobs. I ran from the car to the tree, drawn to it by an unexplainable urge. Once there I dropped to my knees in front of the tree and the memorabilia, dedicated to Bella. Just like I thought, there was a small bouquet of calla lilies and gardenias at the foot of the tree surrounded by pictures stuck on a little tack board and multi-scented candles.

My eyes studied the pictures one by one. There was a picture of Bella as a little girl, no more than six or seven, asleep in Charlie's arms and fisting his shirt, her brown curls obscuring her face. Another picture of her showed her at her high school graduation, wearing a valedictorian sash and the goldenrod cap and gown, proudly holding her diploma and grinning wildly at the camera. Next to it was a picture of the two of us smiling, my arm around her shoulders, her body leaning into mine. We fit together like two puzzle pieces made for each other.

It was the last picture that captured my attention though; a photo that Bella took of the two of us at First Beach, down in La Push, two years ago. Bella was lying in my arms and holding the camera at an angle, to fit the two of us in the shot. The sun is shining down on us, and we're both smiling. I pulled the photo from the tack board and held it in my hand. This picture shouldn't be here; there were only ever two copies of it, one in my wallet and the other... I ripped the wallet out of my back pocket and searched frantically for the photo until I found it hidden behind a stray business card. I flipped the picture that came from the tack board over, and read the words that I wrote on the back of the picture when I gave it to her. _Bella __and __Edward__, __First __Beach__,_ _2010._Written in black ink in the center. At the end, written in blue ink in a handwriting that I immediately recognized as Bella's, was a quote from writer Henry Longfellow, one of my favorites as a matter of fact. _"__The __dawn __is __not __distant__, __nor __is __the __night __starless__; __love __is __eternal__."_

The picture tacked on the board was Bella's copy. My decision was made and I could no longer deny that these letters had to have originated from Bella. There was no other explanation. This meant that Doctor Cullen had lied to me, and Emmett too. But why? Why had they lied? How had she survived the car crash? And what did she mean by eternity?

I was missing an important piece of the puzzle but I was exhausted and my mind wouldn't connect the dots. Warily I walked back toward my car and started the drive home. There wouldn't be any sleep for me, just endless questions and possibilities swimming through my head as I awaited the arrival of four o'clock… and the answers to my questions.

**Hey ****ladies****, (****possibly ****gents****?) ****I****'****m ****sorry ****this ****chapter ****is ****super ****late ****but ****the ****next ****chapter ****is ****already ****written ****and ****will ****be ****up ****soon****. ****All ****reviewers ****will ****get ****a ****teaser ****for ****chapter**** 9 (****The ****meeting****). ****Many ****thanks ****to ****TheTinyDancer****, ****TwiLighT****_****BeLla****_****EdWarD****, ****and ****TwilightLadies****1. ****You ****guys ****are ****majorly ****awesome**** :) ****On ****a ****final ****note ****REVIEW****, ****REVIEW ****REVIEW****. ****lol ****That ****is ****all****. **


	9. Chapter 9

**Redemption**

The night is slowly closing  
>But my eyes are slowly opened<br>And I see that somewhere in you  
>There is a good heart<br>There is a good soul

For everyone lost in the silence  
>For every one missing piece<br>For every will that is broken  
>No matter how dark it may be<br>There is redemption

I feel the threat of thunder  
>But this rain can't last forever<br>The light chases the dark  
>Where there's a good heart<br>There is a good soul

For everyone lost in the silence  
>For every one missing piece<br>For every will that is broken  
>No matter how dark it may be<br>There is redemption

**The Strange Familiar**

Chapter 9

Bella looked around the meadow, taking in the sights before her. Everything was so familiar that it made her heart ache. _The meadow hadn't changed, _Bella thought wistfully.

She could faintly smell Edward's scent from the last time he was here; it both excited and unnerved her at the same time. She would finally see her love. No matter what decision Edward made about their future - his future, because hers was set in stone - she would always have the crystal clear memory of his face in her mind.

On the outskirts of the meadow, just close enough to intervene if it became necessary, stood Emmett and Carlisle Cullen. They were just as much a part of the secret as Bella; after all, they had lied, covered up and manipulated the truth, but with good reason. They'd done it for Bella, for the love that everyone of their kind deserved, for the love of a _mate._

Bella's head snapped up with the sound of twigs breaking and boots crushing dead leaves.

"He's almost here. How do I make him understand?" she whispered, barely discernible.

In a second Carlisle appeared beside her, hugging her. "He loves you; just tell him the truth and everything will work out the way it's supposed to."

She looked up at her_ father _for all intents and purposes and drew strength from his composed demeanor.

"Everything will be fine, it has to be."

"Bella," Emmett started, shifting from one foot to the other, indicating his nervousness with this very human display. "You can't expect everything to be full of peaches and cream. He will be hurt and probably angry, too. I just want you to be prepared for the possibility that maybe he won't be quite ready or prepared to make a decision regarding your all-too-important ultimatum. You have to remember that you're going to ask him to give up his entire life to become a vampire. I'm not saying that he won't want to, but just prepare for the worst."

She didn't have a reply, and Emmett didn't expect one. He was feeling guilty for the betrayal his friend would feel, and a great deal of responsibility for the part he'd played.

_I should have told her to just be honest with him from the beginning, to just come straight out with the truth in the first letter. I never should have encouraged this, this... I don't know what this is_, he thought sullenly. _I don't know what Bella is expecting but Edward isn't going to take this well._

The footsteps got closer and three pairs of eyes looked out at the emerging figure coming into the meadow.

Carlisle and Emmett came together in front of Bella to obscure her from Edward's view. It would be better if she wasn't the first person he saw. He needed to be guided to the truth and Bella could only take it so far. Carlisle knew that once Edward saw Bella there would be a confrontation of sorts and it would be best if Carlisle and Emmett laid everything out on the line first. It's a well known fact that the best laid plans, often fail.

"Hello Edward," Carlisle said warmly as Edward took the final step into the meadow and saw the two men standing there. Emmett watched as Edward's eyes landed on him; the hurt and anger was apparent to him and everyone else there.

"Edward," Emmett called his name imploringly. "It's-"

"Save it Emmett, I should have known you were involved. A paramedic just wanting to be there for the man whose girlfriend he just couldn't save? You are the worst kind of man; a coward and a liar. And you, _Doctor Cullen_," Edward turned and pointed an accusing finger at Carlisle, "you lied to me, too. You told me she was dead. You, a doctor, broke my heart into a million pieces, when you knew, you knew she was still alive. How could you? How could you look straight into my eyes and lie to me about the life of the woman I love?"

Bella winced from behind Carlisle and Emmett at the scathing accusations and bitterness prevalent in Edward's voice.

_This is my battle, _she thought._ I can't let them bear the brunt of Edward's anger for something that was entirely my fault._

"Because I asked him to."

Edward gasped and took a stumbling step backwards . _It can't be. He thought._ His confusion left him slack jawed and unable to speak for several moments.

Bella stepped out from behind the two men and looked Edward in the eye. Without breaking contact between the two of them, she addressed the other men

"Carlisle, Emmett, thank you, but this is something that I have to handle. Could you leave us alone? Edward deserves to hear the truth from me."

Both men nodded and started to make their way out of the meadow.

"For what it's worth, I'm sorry," Emmett apologized to Edward, and then he and Carlisle were gone, leaving Bella to face the angry man in front of her.

Edward didn't acknowledge Emmett's apology; he couldn't stop himself cataloging all the changes in Bella. It was difficult for him to reconcile this Bella with the one that he thought had died two months ago. She was like an abstract painting; the general outline was a recognizable shape or figure, but everything else was so mixed together that it was hard to identify the entire picture. This Bella was definitely hard to identify; she didn't look like _his _Bella. Would she sound like the Bella he remembered or had that changed too?

She was pale, deathly so, and though she had always been beautiful, now she was devastatingly, inhumanly beautiful. Her eyes were no longer pools of chocolate brown, but rather the strange topaz color that both Emmett and Doctor Cullen shared, too. She had dark shadows under her eyes — purplish bruises, like shadows. Her voice was hard to describe. It had a musical lilt that wasn't present before, soft and smooth like the notes of a piano, but it still carried the same timbre as the old Bella.

Bella watched Edward as he watched her, at first seeing the same man that she remembered and knew she loved, but also realizing that he wasn't the same man; he had lost weight, the dark bags under his eyes startling, his face etched with lines of grief. She'd broken him. The weight of this revelation hit her like a ton of bricks and caused her dead heart to constrict. This pain, the pain that Edward was suffering from was never her intention; none of it was ever her intention.

"Bella?" he blurted out questioningly, unsure if he should trust the picture before him. "Are you really here?"

"Hey Doc." Not knowing what else to say, she smiled a tiny smile.

"What happened to you? How are you still alive? Why do you look so different? How are Dr. Cullen and Emmett involved? What is going on?" Once he'd asked one question, the others just flooded out.

"It's a long story," she hedged. "Before I tell it, I need you to understand that what I tell you can never be repeated. It's dangerous for me and you. You can never tell Charlie or Renee; you can't tell anyone."

"You know I won't," he responded, offended by her lack of trust. He wasn't the one that had lied to everyone by pretending to be dead, by allowing the people who loved her the most to mourn her death. He pressed her further. "What are you?"

Bella delayed the inevitable by attempting to deflect. "How's Charlie? Is he okay?"

His face flickered with emotion; pain, regret, betrayal, hurt and anger.

"He's mourning his only child. Barely able to hold himself up. He laid calla lilies and gardenias in front of the tree, where you supposedly _died. _How do you think he's doing?" Bella visibly flinched and her face contorted, as if she wanted to cry but couldn't. A part of Edward was glad that she was feeling at least a fraction of the pain he and Charlie had been feeling.

"I'm-" Bella started.

"Don't you dare say you're sorry," Edward snapped. "Sorry isn't good enough. You lied to me, admittedly indirectly, but it was still a lie. I grieved for you."

He took a shaky breath and continued, "I blamed myself for your death. Do you know what that feels like? To think that you are the reason for the death of someone who is your entire life, your reason for existing?" His questions remain unanswered, Bella knew better than to try to interrupt him. She could tell that these questions weren't meant for her to answer, not now anyway. He wasn't ready to hear her answers or explanations nor would he have accepted them.

"It felt like I couldn't breathe, like I was suffocating in my own skin. I couldn't function, much less go to work and advise people on their problems. You were gone, dead, and my world disappeared right along with you." He looked at Bella, his eyes full of the pain he felt. The last few months finally catching up with him.

"Why Bella?" he whimpered. "How could you put me through so much pain? How could you let your father go through so much pain?"

Edward was angry, but it was more than that; he was hurting and as a result lashed out at the source of his pain without the logic that he usually held dear. He was so focused on his own pain that he failed to notice that Bella was hurting too. Her arms were wrapped around her torso as if that was all that was keeping her together, her body sagging against an old oak tree to support her. Both were determined to bear their sufferings alone, without the help of the other.

"I... I had no choice Edward. I couldn't just tell you that I was still alive; some precautions had to be taken first. I can never tell Charlie the truth and neither can you. I'm taking a chance telling you because I love you. Look at me Edward, you've seen the changes. I'm not human. I will never be human again."

Her eyes were wild with the admission that Edward had already guessed. His heartbeat picked up and adrenaline shot through his veins. The fear he felt was palpable as she slipped into the stance of a controlled predator. Bella's eyes followed him from the center of the meadow as he took one step backward and then another, but in the blink of an eye she was behind him, whispering in his ear. "A vampire Edward. I'm a vampire."

She heard him gasp in shock and quickly moved back over to the area where she'd originated. Bella watched as the blood drained from his face, as he attempted to process her words but was too overwhelmed; the stress of the day and general lack of sleep subdued him. Half a second later, Edward fainted.

**Don't hate me. It's only a tiny cliff hanger. It was getting way too long so I just decided to make this the cutoff point. (There is a quote from Twilight somewhere in this chapter. Can you find it?) I love all of the support from you guys. Don't forget to leave me a review and get a teaser for chapter ten. **

**BTW is someone reccing my story? I would love to know who it is so I can thank them. **

**Thanks to my awesome Betas TheTinyDancer, TwilightLadies1 and TwiLighT7242**


	10. Chapter 10

**John Mayer**

When you're dreaming with a broken heart  
>The waking up is the hardest part<br>You roll outta bed and down on your knees  
>And for the moment you can hardly breathe<br>Wondering was she really here?  
>Is she standing in my room?<br>No she's not, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone...

When you're dreaming with a broken heart  
>The giving up is the hardest part<br>She takes you in with your crying eyes  
>Then all at once you have to say goodbye<br>Wondering could you stay my love?  
>Will you wake up by my side?<br>No she can't, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone...

**Dreaming With A Broken Heart**

Chapter 10 EPOV

My heart feels as if it'll beat out of my chest. Looking to my left, I see the minister check his watch.

"_What if you leave me at the altar? What if we aren't ready for this? __What if we end up getting a divorce? __Am I capable of giving you all the love and attention you deserve?_" I think to myself.

Nervously, I rake my fingers through my hair until I feel a hand touch my shoulder.

Edward**,** stop," my father chides. "Everything will be fine."

I nod to myself, trying to calm my nerves. I know Bella will come. This is our wedding day, and she has to be here any minute now. Time stops and everyone else seems to disappear as Wagner's March begins. All of my doubts and fears fade away as she steps closer and closer to where I stand at the altar. I feel as if this is the moment I've waited for my entire life; to see the woman I love walk towards me and our future together.

She is stunning and absolutely breathtaking. Her hair is pulled up in an elegant up-do giving me a glimpse of her shoulders and neck, while also emphasizing the ivory strapless dress. Her right hand is gripping her father's arm while taking a glance at the modest crowd of family and friends. Finally we make contact and I realize I'm the luckiest man alive; the look on her face is full of love and adoration, much like the look on mine. I offer my hand as Charlie kisses her cheek and places her hand in mine.

In the blink of an eye, the scene changes to one of bloody carnage. The bodies of those who attended our wedding surround us, while the mangled bodies of my parents and her father lie directly in front of where we are standing. The floor of the church is covered in blood and one glance tells me that our hands are too. With my face twisted in horror at the grotesque sight before us, I look up at the face of my bride and recoil in fear at the sight of her face dripping with blood. She smiles, baring her fangs and I manage to scream once before she pounces.

I woke up in a cold sweat with a splitting headache. The realizations hit me like a bulldozer. Bella was alive, though not in any natural sense of the word. She was a vampire. The nightmare was a personification of my greatest fear; the woman I wanted to marry probably wanted to suck me dry. I shook the nightmare out of my memory and surveyed my surroundings. With a start I realized that not only was I in my bed, but beside me was a piece of paper folded in half with my name written on the front. Bella. It had to be from Bella. With trepidation, I slowly unfolded the letter and started to read.

_Dear Edward,_

_I thought this would be the best way to explain myself to you. I don't think I can handle telling you in person. I couldn't bear to see you so terrified. You were afraid of _me_. I never in my wildest dreams would have thought that you would shrink away from _me _in fear. Please know that it wasn't my intention to lose control. It just happened and for that I am so very sorry. If I'm being honest then I must admit that there is another reason why I'm writing my confessional instead of telling you in person; I'm a coward. I'm so afraid that once you know everything, you'll leave me forever. By writing this I hope to avoid seeing your rejection. I know it's silly because either way you can still reject me, but it's all I have. The only thing I ask of you is that no matter what you read, continue on to the end. Don't stop reading. You have to know everything._

_I have no idea where to start my sordid tale so I'm guessing the beginning would be apt. Do you remember that night Edward? The night I died? I remember every detail as if it were burned into my memory. I remember things even you don't. I felt things that you couldn't have. In the car I was so angry with you, but not entirely because you proposed. I was angry because I could see it, I could see us married and with children and having a beautiful life together. But I was so afraid; I was terrified that if we did get married, everything I loved about us would disappear. We would disappear and end up hating each other... just like my parents. You were spot on with your assessment - Dr. Masen and I grasped it way too late. When we crashed, what you didn't see was the branch that had broken through the windshield and lodged itself in my left lung. I was essentially drowning in blood. I knew that I was going to die. So I mouthed the words that I thought would be my last - 'I love you'. I was supposed to die but fate had other plans. _

_The deer bounded in front of us because it was being hunted. Dr Carlisle Cullen and Alice Cullen were hunting (more on that later) that night and chased the deer out of the forest, they didn't expect anyone to be driving through such an awful storm, no one was_supposed_ to be driving through the storm. They saw us crash and called Emmett who, as you know, is a paramedic. At this point I was so close to dying that Carlisle made the decision to change me into a vampire. I can't really tell you anything more about the rest of that night or the next three days actually. All I remember is there being so much pain and then awaking to a house full of vampires with a throat that felt like it was on fire. I need you to understand that my motivation for not telling you the truth immediately was to protect you. I was a newborn and craved blood every single hour of the day. I knew I couldn't approach you directly so I had Emmett do it for me. He was genuinely sorry about my change and how much it affected you. I used his sympathy and guilt to get him to help me. I know it was wrong but I just couldn't let you go. You were th__e__ one piece of my old life that I had to fight for. I didn't think the letters would upset you this much, although I probably should have realized they would. You are far too logical for your own good Doc. I wanted the letters to be enough. I wanted you to be able to suspend your logic and trust that it was me. It was an incredibly unfair expectation. You're probably sick and tired of hearing me apologize by now, so I won't say it again._

_At first, the letters weren't meant for your eyes. I wrote the first one as a kind of catharsis and left it in my room. I thought of sending it but always found some reason or another not to do it. Alice gave me the push I needed to find the courage and let you read what I had written. She found the letter and convinced me to give it to you. She also made me realize that a chance at half a life with you was worth the risk of rejection. I allowed myself to hope that maybe I had another shot at happiness, another shot at loving you. The letters were as much for me as they were for you. Writing them allowed me to pretend that I was just your Snow. I was just a human in love with another human and not a blood sucking vampire. As creepy as this might sound, I used to watch you when you slept. I would lie down beside you and wish that you could hold me in your arms and whisper your love in my ears until I fell asleep. I imagined the different scenes of our lives if the accident had never happened: our wedding, having your children, growing old together, and dying peacefully human. I didn't want this Edward; I never wanted to be this monster. I understand if this is too much for you. I understand if my being a vampire is disgusting to you, because it disgusts me too. I'm asking for a chance. A chance for you to get to know who I am right now, on top of who I once was. This is where I'm going to tell you some basic vampire facts. Are you still with me? God, I hope you're still reading this. I hope that this letter brings you the understanding you so desperately crave. _

_Vampire fact #1: Vampires don't burn in the sun. We sparkle. I know it sounds silly, but it's the absolute truth. I sparkle like millions of multifaceted diamonds all hitting the sun at once. It's beautiful but disturbing. I often compare myself to quartz or marble._

_Vampire fact #2: Vampires don't age or grow. I will never change or get older. Physically I am frozen at the age of twenty six. _

_Vampire fact #3: Most vampires have red eyes because of the human blood that they drink. I say most because the Cullens (myself included) survive on the blood of animals. I guess you could call us 'vegetarians'. This isn't to say that we don't still crave human blood; we just try our best to abstain. _

_Vampire fact #4: Some vampires have gifts; extra abilities may be a better description. These abilities are usually present as a human but not always discernible. Alice (the woman that gave you the letter in the bar), Jasper (Alice's mate who you haven't met yet) and I, we all have gifts. Alice can see the future, Jasper can manipulate emotions and I'm a shield. I don't really know how to explain my gift to you; it's more of a show-and-tell kind of thing._

_Vampire fact #5: In the meadow, I told you it was dangerous for you to ever repeat anything I tell you about vampires. The reason it's so dangerous isn't for maintaining anonymity (though that's important too). It's so that we don't incite the wrath of the Volturi. The Volturi are rulers of the vampire world. They consist of three brothers who have hundreds of vampire guardsmen at their disposal. If they find out that I've told you I'm a vampire, it will mean the death of you, anyone you may have told, all of the Cullens, and me. I didn't mean to offend you by insinuating that you would break my confidence. I know you would never betray me like that, but I had to stress the importance of your silence. I couldn't bear to have you or anyone else that I love killed because of my selfishness. I could deal with my own death. I would probably welcome it with open arms but not the death of my family, human and vampire alike. You all mean too much to me._

_Vampire fact #6: All other vampire myths don't apply. We don't sleep in coffins (we can't sleep at all). Garlic won't scare us away. A stake won't kill and silver won't subdue us. The only way to kill a vampire is to rip apart its body and set it on fire, though I suppose the setting on fire part would do by itself._

_That's all I can think of right now. Everything else you would probably have to see to believe. I will leave contact up to you. If you think that you can handle it, you can either write me back or see me in person. Just say the word (in this case write the word). I love you and there is absolutely no pressure. Do whatever makes you comfortable. _

_Bella_

I thought about everything that I'd read and knew that there was really only one decision to make.

I picked up the phone and dialed.

"Hey..."


	11. Chapter 11

**This is the betaed version. **

**Somewhere Love Remains**

Here we go again

Sitting on the edge of leaving

You don't have to speak

I can see it in your eyes

I know you too well

You know I can tell your hiding

Something inside

Baby just breathe in

Breathe out

Before you turn around

Just slow down

Think of all the love we've made

If we give it just one more try

Maybe we could stop this goodbye

I know through all this pain

Somehow somewhere love remains

You say don't walk away

But baby give me one good reason

More than just a line

You better make it count this time

You told me but you never really showed me

That I'm worth the fight

Oh I'm worth the fight

**Lady Antebellum**

Chapter 11 Bella POV

"Hey."

"Edward!" I exclaim in mild surprise. I hadn't thought that he would call this number. I'd have to thank Alice for her foresight. I would never have thought to have my old phone turned on.

"I wasn't sure you would answer if I called this phone, but it's the only number I have for you." I mentally face palmed myself; of course he would call my old cell phone number. I didn't exactly leave him any other choice.

"I'm sorry. I didn't think to leave a phone number, I just figured you would rather do letters or something."

"I think these conversations would be better in person," he said flatly.

"Oh. Yeah of course, we can totally do that."

Edward wasn't exactly welcoming but what was I to expect?

"When can we meet?" he asked, pushing through, or perhaps ignoring my awkwardness.

"Whenever you're ready." I didn't want to rush this, but time was ticking away.

"This afternoon, in our...our… the meadow. Let's meet in the meadow. How does two o'clock sound?"

It hurt to hear him stammer and stutter trying to address the meadow as ours. Was it possible that he didn't love me anymore? Did my new state disgust him so much that he couldn't love me anymore?

"Our meadow, it's still our meadow Edward. No matter what happens, it's still ours. I'll meet you at two in our meadow."

I meant every word. It would be an everlasting symbol of our love. I didn't say anything else; instead I listened to his breathing pick up, imperceptible to a human but child's play for a vampire.

"I'll see you there Snow," he said softly, and with a click he was gone. He called me Snow; that had to mean something. He had to still feel something for me.

~/~/~/~/~/~/~/~/~/~/~/~/~/~/~/~/~/~/

I got to the meadow at exactly a minute to two and Edward was nowhere to be found. Odd, because he could never stand to be late; on time for him was always ten minutes early. I called Alice.

"Hey Al, is Edward still coming? Did he change his mind?" I nervously asked, unsure of what I would do if he had.

"As of right now the answer is yes, he's still coming. Earlier today I wasn't as sure. He kept changing his mind."

I wouldn't let myself dwell on that part; he was coming and that was all that mattered.

"Alice… Could you-" I trailed off as she cut in.

"Bella, no. I can't tell you that. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't. Everything is just so up in the air right now. There are too many choices and decisions left to be made. Just make sure to answer all of his questions. Don't be evasive and remember, he's human and this whole vampire thing is very complicated to him."

I hadn't really expected her to tell me what was going to happen but I had hoped she would put my mind at ease.

"Thanks Alice."

"Any time Bella. Oh, and by the way, Edward will be coming into the clearing in about a minute. Bye."

Before I could say another word she'd hung up and left my nerves fried. Should I stand? Or maybe I should sit? If I stood, then I'd be more comfortable but there was a chance that standing stone- still would intimidate or even scare him. But if I sat, then maybe he would see that I wasn't a threat to him.

With only about thirty seconds left, I finally decided to sit down in the middle of the meadow, just in time too, because I saw Edward heading toward the opening. I took a couple of unnecessary deep breaths and readied myself.

"Hi Doc," I said, realizing a second too late that it was exactly what I said the first time we met in this very same meadow. I hoped this slip didn't foreshadow anything bad.

"Bella," he said. His eyes were cold and guarded. I couldn't gauge what he was thinking or even how he might be feeling. I patted the ground softly in front of me, gesturing for him to sit down. He thought about it for a second but then slowly walked toward me and sat down. I knew that this couldn't be easy for him, but I needed him to let his guard down. I wouldn't get anywhere if he kept this wall up between us.

"Do you remember the first time I tried to cook for you?"

I watched as his face cracked into a smile. Yes, victory

"You mean the first and last time you ever tried to cook for me? Of course I remember," he laughed. "You almost burned our house down. It was the first and only time I ever had to use the fire extinguisher."

"Hey," I cried in mock outrage. "I didn't almost burn the house down. It was just a small fire."

"Semantics."

I smiled and in return received a slight grin. The wall was at least partially gone and maybe I could finally make some leeway. "I know all of this is hard for you to understand and I want to try to make it easier for you. Do you have any questions you want me to answer?"

The smile dropped from his face "You have no idea how hard this is for me."

That wasn't the reaction I was looking for. "I know. I'm sorry, I didn't mean for it to come out that way. What I meant was, I want to make you understand why I wrote the letters instead of coming to see you after I woke up as a vampire."

"Why don't you tell me your reasons and as I think of questions I'll just ask you," he suggested.

I nodded my head and started to speak.

"I know you've picked up on the ways I've changed, so tell me."

"You're really pale, sickly almost. Your voice is a little higher too, kind of like bells." He's analyzing me and I have to work to stay calm. I always hated when he went into psychologist mode; it was like he could see right through to my soul. "Your eyes are amber instead of brown."

"You got most of them but you missed two very important things. Give me your hand." I stretched my hand out and waited for what seemed like an eternity until he finally placed his hand in mine. First, I guided it to my face.

"It's hard," he said as he pushed on my skin, waiting for it to give. "It's like stone."

I nodded and gently pulled his hand away from my face, guiding it to my chest. He shivered a little at the contact and I asked, "What do you feel?"

He doesn't answer me for a moment. He is focusing, trying to find what should be there but somehow isn't.

"Nothing. Where's your heartbeat?" he asked with wonder and a touch of fear as he pulled his hand out of my grasp. I heard his heartbeat elevate and worked to calm him down.

"Edward, I need you to relax. This won't make any sense if you don't pay absolute attention." I waited until his heart rate slowed. "You don't feel a heartbeat, because my heart doesn't beat anymore. There is no blood flowing through my veins anymore. That's why my hands are so cold."

"But if there's no heartbeat then…"

"I'm really dead, in the traditional sense of the word that is." I finished for him. I watched for his reaction but all I noticed was a slight shudder. "Should I continue?"

Please don't run away from me, I silently begged.

"Okay. Okay, I think I can handle this. Go on."

"Alright. The changes that you noticed almost immediately, anyone else who knows me would notice the same changes. I couldn't risk it. I wanted to see you. I missed you so, so much, but the burn in my throat stopped me from ever trying."

"What do you mean burn?"

"I'm a new born vampire and as such, crave blood constantly. When I'm 'thirsty', my throat feels like it's on fire. Imagine someone sticking a white hot poker down your throat every time you wanted some water."

"Ouch," he flinched. "But what about right now, and all the times that you watched me sleep?

"I hunted beforehand. A lot."

"Hunted. What does that mean exactly?"

"I don't want to be a monster so instead of drinking from humans; I hunt and drink from animals. That's why my eyes are an amber color; normal vampires have red eyes. When I hunt before I see you, the burning is manageable and I don't have to worry about draining you by accident."

"Why go through this elaborate plan, the letters, Alice, Emmett and Carlisle? Why not just wait until your thirst was manageable and see me then?"

This was the question that I really didn't want to answer. I looked at him, sitting cross-legged in front of me and I didn't know how to tell him that our time together could be limited. That if he wanted to be with me, he had to choose between living a human life without ever seeing me again, or spending eternity as a vampire and leaving behind everything he'd ever known. There really wasn't a good way to spin this.

"There wasn't enough time," I started. "Originally the plan was that we - the Cullen's and I - would leave as soon as my transition was over. The townspeople are starting to get suspicious anyway; Carlisle is supposed to be ten years older than he looks and when you add me to the mix, it was definitely time to leave Forks. I managed to convince everyone to give me some time to reach out to you. I couldn't just leave you in the lurch that way."

"What are you trying to say Bella?" He had to have known where I was going. It was hard enough to think it in my head without having to say it aloud to him.

"I have to leave Forks soon."

"How soon?"

His face looked impassive but I could see the anger brewing in his emerald eyes. Apparently, I was silent a beat too long

"How soon Bella?"

He enunciated every word and I knew at that moment that this wouldn't end well. It would be too much.

"In a week, Edward. We have to be gone in a week. We can't stay any longer than that."

For five minutes I was silent and so was he. He was trying to process everything I'd just said, and I was waiting for his response.

"So this is goodbye then."

He doesn't question it; instead, it was already a given fact.

"It doesn't have to be goodbye Edward. You can come with us. Leave town with us."

"How could we pull that off? A human living with seven vampires?" I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly.

"You wouldn't be able to stay human. You would have to be changed. The Volturi would find out and we would all be killed."

He leapt to his feet and started to yell. "You have to be kidding me! You're giving me a freaking week to decide if I want to give up my entire life to be a vampire? God, Bella." I stood up and reached for his hand but he pulled it out of reach and turned his back to me. "I can't even look at you right now."

I could feel my dead heart breaking and my hands shook as I pleaded with him.

"Edward, please. I know it's a lot, but I love you. I love you so much. I don't know how to live without you. Please don't turn away from me."

He finally turned to face me me and his eyes were dead. "What happens if I say no? If I don't want to be a vampire?"

I felt a shudder rip through me, and the sting of tears that would never fall. "Then I can never see you again. You will have to carry on as if I'm really dead, and I will have to live as if you were dead too. Once we leave Forks, I can't ever come back. I can't contact you or send any letters. It would be too risky if the Volturi or anyone else found out."

My voice was raw from the pain I felt deep inside of me. This was goodbye; he was actually leaving me. His emerald eyes were filled with sadness and steel resolve. I couldn't take it; I couldn't just let him give up on us.

"Edward please… just…just give me five more minutes." He shook his head before I even finished and started to walk away. "Doc. Doc, please." He spun around and faced me, his eyes wild with anger and grief.

"Why Bella? Give me one good reason why I should stay. Don't you think you've lied and manipulated my feelings enough?" His voice was low and full of pain, an echo of the deep timbre that I had come to love.

"Please Edward," I begged. "I had to keep you safe; I never would've forgiven myself if you got hurt because of me."

"You just don't get it Bella. You've hurt me enough to last a lifetime. Your lies and games have trampled on my heart."

His statement was a dagger to my heart, but it was the truth. I was being so selfish. I was just realizing what he already knew; I was not what he needed right now. Our time was over. We'd had a wonderful five years but it was over. Because of my lies, I had to let go of the only man I'd ever truly loved. Edward would forever hold the key to my heart. He'd get over the hurt that I'd caused him, get married, have children, and grow old; he would finally have the future that I could never give to him.

"You're right. I'll never forget you, Edward. Your love meant everything to me. The bitter-sweet memories of our time together will forever be in my heart. Please, let me finish," I begged, not wanting him to interrupt me. My voice wasn't strong and neither was my resolve. If he interrupted me, I would never be able to let him go. If I was human, I knew that at this point I would be a sobbing mess. "I hope that one day you find everything you ever wanted; that the pain I've caused you, will become a distant memory just like I will. I want you have a long and happy human life."

I stepped closer and closer to him until I was only a breath away. I took a second and inhaled his scent, committing it to memory. "I truly do love you. The five years that we were together were the happiest of my life. Can I… can I kiss you? I swear after this I won't bother you again."

I waited with baited breath as he hesitated but then slowly nodded his head. I took my trembling hand and gently caressed his cheek as he drew in a ragged breath filled with emotion. I stood on my tip toes and gently pressed my lips to his. This wasn't a kiss filled with lust or promises. It was a kiss filled with regret, and tinged with goodbyes. When I felt tears cascade down his face and land on my lips, I knew it was time for me to leave. I pulled my lips away from his and for just a moment, leaned my forehead against his.

"Goodbye Doc."

I walked backwards into the thickening forest as he whispered back to me.

"Goodbye, my Snow."

I almost wanted him to stop me from leaving, to chase after me and tell me we could work it out. But he didn't and I didn't really expect him to either. I pause to be sure I'd committed him entirely to memory. Then, when I was sure, I turned around and ran at full vampire speed to the house that used to be ours.

It will be as though we never existed.

**Thanks to my wonderful Beta TheTinyDancer. We are nearing the home stretch! Only one chapter left. Thanks for reading and reviewing. **


	12. Chapter 12

**I Won't Give Up **

When I look into your eyes

It's like watching the night sky

Or a beautiful sunrise

Well there's so much they hold

And just like them old stars

I see that you've come so far

To be right where you are

How old is your soul?

I won't give up on us

Even if the skies get rough

I'm giving you all my love

I'm still looking up

And when you're needing your space

To do some navigating

I'll be here patiently waiting

To see what you find

'Cause even the stars they burn

Some even fall to the earth

We've got a lot to learn

God knows we're worth it

No, I won't give up

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily

I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make

Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use the tools and gifts

We got yeah we got a lot at stake

And in the end,

You're still my friend at least we didn't tend

For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn

We had to learn, how to bend without the world caving in

I had to learn what I got, and what I'm not

And who I am

I won't give up on us

Even if the skies get rough

I'm giving you all my love

I'm still looking up

I'm still looking up

I won't give up on us

God knows I'm tough, he knows

We got a lot to learn

God knows we're worth it

I won't give up on us

Even if the skies get rough

I'm giving you all my love

I'm still looking up...

**Justin Mraz**

Chapter 12

Bella POV

I stood by the door, staring at the nameplate that Edward nailed to the door when we first moved in together.

_Bella & Edward._

I read the names over and over_. _I just couldn't bring myself to walk into the house that held so many memories of the past Edward and I once shared. We should have been forever. This house should have held the promise of a loving and bright future; instead all it held was broken hearts. I took a deep breath and prepared myself to go in so that I could get rid of everything that would remind Edward of me. I slowly walked through the door of the house and took a look around the small but comfortable home. Walking into the living room, my gaze immediately fell to the couch from my old apartment. Edward and I both loved that couch and when we decided to move in together, we decided to hold onto it. We had good times and bad times on that black leather couch. I wandered over to the couch and sat down on it, immediately assaulted by memories of the first fight Edward and I ever had.

Edward and I were cuddling on the couch in my apartment living room. His hands massaged my scalp and I sighed in contentment.

"Bella, do you see a future with me?" he asked, suddenly turning to face me. His emerald eyes trapped me in place. In hindsight this was a reasonable question; we had been together for a year and a couple of months.

"What do you mean?" I asked, confused.

"I mean do you see us together five, maybe ten years from now?"

"I…I don't know Edward."

"Can you see us married, or with a child? Or am I just a short-term thing?"

"What do you want from me Edward?" I said. "I don't know, I'm not a freaking fortune-teller!"

I was panicking. I didn't want to get married and it seemed as if our conversation was heading in that direction.

Edward got up off the couch and turned to face me. "Why are you getting so upset? I just asked you a question."

"Can't we just live in the now? Do we have to talk about the future?" I asked, sitting up angrily to defend myself.

"That's what adults do Bella. We plan and talk about the future with our partners."

"Do not patronize me Edward. I don't want to talk about it. Marriage is just a piece of paper; it doesn't mean a damn thing."

"Marriage isn't just a piece of paper Bella. It's a lasting commitment between two people; it tells the world that we belong to each other."

"I belong to you already Edward, a piece of paper doesn't change that. Getting married shouldn't matter."

"It matters Bella. Getting married matters to me."

"Getting married doesn't stop us from breaking up, it doesn't stop you from cheating on me or vice versa, it doesn't mean that we won't fall out of love. It's just a worthless piece of paper."

Edward stared at me, probably seeing me in a new light. We had never fought before and for marriage to be the subject of our first fight was just unbelievable.

"I think I should go," he said finally, removing his gaze from mine. "I'll talk to you tomorrow."

"So that's it? You're just going to leave because I don't agree with your views on _marriage_! Seriously?" I asked in disbelief.

"No Bella," he shook his head. "I'm leaving because we're both getting far too emotional to talk about this subject rationally and I don't want either of us to say something we'll regret later. I love you. I'll call you tomorrow."

He reaffirmed this while grabbing his coat and walking out the door. I sat on the couch with my head in my hands wondering how I'd let him walk out of the door. I heard the engine of his car start-up and ran outside.

"Edward!" I called out.

He looked at me through the windshield for a moment and then got out of the car. I ran up to him and hugged him with all of my might.

"I'm so sorry Edward. I just…"

'Don't worry about it, love. We'll figure it all out later."

He kissed me and all previous conversations and thoughts were lost.

I shook myself out of the bittersweet memory as my dead heart clenched itself in pain. _Don't dwell Bella,_ I told myself. _You can fall apart after you're finished here._ I got off the couch and moved over to the mantle where some pictures of Edward and I sat. I picked up one of them; a shot taken of us at his parent's barbeque, the first day we met. The sun was setting behind us and we appeared to be deep in conversation, neither one of us noticing his mother taking the picture from just a few feet away from us. His hair was longer than it was now and he looked so carefree with his head thrown back laughing at whatever silly thing I'd just said. I ran my finger over his face and wished that I could go back to that wonderful day. It was a nice beginning despite our story's tragic end. I sat the picture back down in its place and decided to start in our bedroom.

Edward POV

I'd been standing stock still in the meadow for what seemed like forever, though was probably five minutes or less in reality, when I heard my cell phone ring. The caller ID said 'Unknown' and I was flooded with hope that maybe it was Bella calling me.

"Bella?" I answered.

"Wrong vampire," a wry, tinkling voice answers.

"Alice. What do you want?" I said exasperated. "Haven't you Cullens done enough?"

"Don't be rude," she scolded. "Now, I know we haven't been properly introduced, but I am going to help you fix this gigantic mess you and Bella just made of your lives. I want you to run back to your house as fast as you can and stop Bella from leaving."

"It's over Alice," I replied miserably.

"You listen to me, Edward Masen! Bella is going to leave town in the next hour. Right now she is at your house getting rid of everything that would remind you of her. You have... maybe twenty minutes if she keeps reminiscing. We have to make this quick if you want to catch her. If we don't hurry then you will be miserable for the rest of you mortal life and Bella won't last a year without you."

"What are you talking about?"

"I don't have time to answer your questions. You can still fix this but you need to hurry. Can you really live without her? Is spending an eternity with the one you love such a bad fate? Edward, you have to make a decision. I know you feel betrayed but I also know that you love Bella with all of your heart and soul. Do you really want to let that kind of love go?" she said hurriedly.

I loved Bella. There was no doubt in my mind about that, but could I love her as a vampire? Could she still love me as a vampire? Was I ready to give up my life and begin anew as a vampire?

"Edward focus, you have to decide. Forget about your pride and her lies; think about how much you love Bella. Think about the life you lived when you thought she was dead. I'm trying to help you both. As of now you only have about ten minutes to get back to the house before she leaves, fifteen if you run really fast."

I couldn't live without her. I couldn't let Bella leave. I loved her and if being a vampire meant I got to spend forever with her then I'd do it. I told Emmett that I would do anything to have Bella back and now I would make good on that promise. I was so distracted by my pain and my feelings of betrayal that I'd forgotten to rejoice and recognize that Bella was indeed alive and I never had to live without her again. I'd make sure we were never apart again.

"Good. Everything will be fine." Alice sighed in relief. "Run, Edward."

I hung up the phone and took off running as fast as my legs could carry me.

**Hi Guys, I'm so sorry this is so late. I'm hoping the obviously happy ending will save me from you guys throwing things. This is the last regular chapter. I'm tempted to write my long list of thanks her but I'll save it for the epilogue. I will thank TheTinyDancer for being an amazing Beta and for sticking it out with me. Much love and appreciation to her. I am hoping that anyone who reads this story will drop me a review even if it's just to say you like the chapter. My goal for the end of this story is 100 reviews. Please help me!**


	13. Epilogue

Epilogue

Bella POV

Once in the bedroom I begin to reminisce about all the nights Edward and I had spent in this bed together. All the nights where we just laid in each other's arms, talking about whatever crossed our minds. All the mornings where we were each other's personal alarm clocks. All the lazy afternoon's when all we did was watch movies and cuddle. _Stop stalling, _I tell myself. I grab my things at vampire speed and pack all of it away in a large trash bag. I can't help but look into the nightstand drawer and find the ring that should've been on my finger all along. I sit down on the bed and reverently slip it onto my ring finger.

For the first time I look at the ring, at all of the small details that I didn't care to notice before. The intricate filigree setting that covered the thin white gold band, and the beautiful cut of the emerald as the light from the room hit it just right., Edward knew this ring was absolutely perfect for me. And for the umpteenth time I find myself thinking back to the night Edward proposed to me. The night that I ruined both of our human lives with my insecurities about marriage; our fifth anniversary together.

Unbeknownst to me Edward had planned a small party at my Dad's house to celebrate. It was just both sets of our parents and a couple of our closest friends in attendance. There was a huge banner that read "Happy Anniversary Bella & Edward" on it with little tea candles and balloons everywhere in the party area. It was so cute. We had dinner made up of all my favorite foods, music and a little bit of dancing too. Everything was going well, my parents weren't at each other's throats and I was having fun until Edward turned the music off and called for everyone's attention. He pulled me over to the center of the room and got down on one knee.

"Isabella Swan., It feels like I've loved you forever. I think my heart was always meant for you; to find you, and love you for the rest of my life. I honestly can't think of anything that would ever make me happier than watching you smile or hearing you laugh. I want to wake up in the morning and know you're there. I want to see you after a long day of work and know that it's my ring on your finger, and my name you whisper. Will you marry me Bella?"

I couldn't answer his question because my mind was racing and it felt like I was hyperventilating. I wanted to say yes but the word was stuck in my throat. All I could see was a marriage like the one my parents had. Loud arguments, separate rooms and going days without speaking to each other. We would both be miserable and indifferent to each other. We would no longer be together because we loved each other, but because we would have nothing else. The cycle would continue until one of us decided to leave the other. God forbid if we were to have children and have to watch them get caught in the middle of an ugly custody battle. Marriage was, as I saw it, just wrong on so many levels.

"No,." I say softly before pushing past the small throng of people to get out of the door.

"Bella," I hear Edward call," Edward called before grabbing my arm to stop me. "Don't run from this. Don't run from me."

I looked at him and suddenly I'm angry. Angry that he'd put me in this position. A position where I had to say no. He knew I didn't want to get married. We were doing just fine without being married and we would continue to do so. I yanked my arm out of his grasp and walked out of the door of my parents' house and into the heavy rain.

"Are you serious right now? God, I can't believe you!" I'd yelled to him.

"I always knew that ring would look amazing on your finger."

My eyes pop open at the sound of Edward's voice, and I am lost for words. He's standing right in front of me and there are so many things that I need to say to him; so many things that I should have said a long time ago, but the words won't come. An immeasurable moment of time passes as we look at each other.

"Edward-"

"Bella-"

A small laugh escapes us both and I gesture for him speak first.

"Bella, when you first explained the whole vampire thing to me, I didn't understand how I was supposed to just pick myself up, erase the time I spent grieving, and not freak out. It felt like I didn't know you anymore. You became this supernatural being that I knew nothing about. I guess I wasn't sure how to love you. I wasn't sure how to reconcile the Bella that I loved with new vampire Bella. I was so hurt that you lied to me, that I let anger cloud the decisions I made about us. I was wrong and I'm so sorry, Bella. I don't know how I ever thought I could live without you. I love you, Bella."

My mind raced with all I had just been told. He loves me. Edward still loves me. After everything that I put him through he still loves me. I get up off of our bed and stand so that I'm facing him.

"What are you saying, Edward?" I ask holding my breath and attempting to quell the hope that springs up in my chest.

"I'm saying that I want to be with you, Bella. I'm saying that for you, and for our love, I want you to change me. I'm saying that I want to spend an eternity with you. A very meddling and omniscient vampire helped me realize all that I stood to lose if I let you go. I don't want to be without you."

"I love you too, Edward, so much. And I'm sorry, Edward. I'm sorry for lying to you and I'm sorry for the way I behaved when you proposed. I've had a lot of time to think about it and you were right. I was so scared that we would end up like my parents that I pushed you away. If I could do it all over again I'd say yes in a heartbeat."

"Really?" He asks stunned. I simply nod in response as he drops down to one knee.

"Bella, will you do me the honor of becoming my wife?"

"Yes! Of course I'll marry you, Doc. I would love to become your wife."

Edward stood up and kissed me.

"Forever, Snow," He promised against my lips.

"Forever, Doc," I affirmed.

Our love would transcend all of eternity.

**The End **

**Hello all! Here is the betaed version of the epilogue. I am so thankful to TheTinyDancer for being such an awesome Beta and dealing with my verb tense confusions. I am also super super grateful to everyone who reviewed, favorited, and followed this story. I love you all! **


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